Something I have to talk about....

[Lauren]

It's been a pretty rough year for me already. I lost my best friend Kim in June. I was left in shock by it because it came so sudden and I didn't expect it. I have been having a hard time dealing with her death. Last week, my friend Jon died in a car explosion. I thought I was losing my mind when Kim died, but now it is 10 times worse. It's been really hard for me to talk about because I don't want to believe they are both gone. They were such good people and didn't deserve to die. I just don't get it, and I doubt I ever will. I am 23 years old and I have yet to understand death and why it takes away the people you need the most.

There are so many feelings I am feeling right now but I am somehow numb to everything. I was sitting at Jon's funeral on Sunday and I thought it was a dream. I did the same thing at Kim's funeral also. I have been right since either of them died. I just wish it hadn't happened or that something had happened that Jon wouldn't have used his truck that day or that Kim hadn't went to work. I replay everything over in my mind again and again, wanting everything to be different but I know it won't be.

I was with Kim just a few minutes before she died. We were at a charity event they hold where I just moved. I had visited this place all my life and most of my family lives here. Kim and I had been friends forever. We were laughing and having a great time when I had to go. I told her to call me and we'd go somewhere together. I will be waiting forever on a call that will never come. It crushed me so much to think I could've been there with her, and it could've been me. It's been 2 months and I am still dying on the inside.

Jon died a week ago today. Best guy I ever knew and I doubt I will ever meet someone as good hearted as he was, ever again. When my boyfriend told me Jon was dead, I didn't believe him. I cried and said I didn't believe him. When it finally sank in, I thought I was going to crawl into a hole and die myself. Having to go to a funeral of a man I loved so dearly and knowing I was never going to see him again was just like Kim's funeral. I am so lost and hurt, I don't know what to do.

Sorry if it is a bit long.

[Violet Twlilight]

Aw, I'm so sorry that happened. *hugs*

Lossing people you love is very hard. I lost a childhood friend when I was 9, so I know some-what what it's like. I've also lost my grandmother who was bascilly Mom # 2 in my world, and that was when I was only ten.
I'll tell you that it goes a away. It really does.
At first you'll not believe it, than you feel numb like you said it's dream. Than you cry, you cry A LOT and than one day you wake up and it just dosen't hurt as much. You come to terms with the fact they're gone, but your still here, and feeling bad about only hurts yourself and you should get out and live. If you were them you'd want your love ones to move on as well.
Life is for the living. When someone you love dies that part of you dies a little. Not the love but that joy that when they leave the room you'll see them soon. Death takes that away and so you have to learn to live all over again.

[Lauren]

*Hugs* That is horrible. I can't imagine going through what I am going through at 9.

I've had people die on me, but none of it felt like this. I just feel like it's impossible to move forward everyday.

[lostmaiden]

I am terribly sorry that you had to loose two close friends in such a short time. My mother died a year and a half ago and I still miss her, but the first year was the hardest to surpass the pain of loosing her. I still cry sometimes, I have tears in my eyes right now, because we were close, but as time passes and you meet new people and make friends, the pain gets smaller and smaller. I really wish I could be next to you and comfort you in any way, but I am thousands of kilometers distance from you and all i can do is send you this message, but I fully understand your pain, because when I lost my mother, I lost 2 people at once: A mother and a friend. Feel free to tell us whatever you feel, if you dream of them or anything (that happened to me, I was living again my mother's death night after night) and we shall be here for you. At least that is what we can do for you.

[Lauren]

That is so sad! *Hugs* You have the dreams too? I have them often. I had one about Jon a week ago and it felt so real. That is the worst part about it. You wake up and realize that they aren't there anymore. I relived Kim's death over and over but when I dream about Jon, it's weird. The last dream was a bunch of us were sitting around a table, waiting and wondering if he'd say anything. All of a sudden, he shows up in a chair and I am sitting, looking at him. I knew he wasn't real and I knew that he wasn't real. He told me he was fine and he wasn't in any pain anymore. That is making me cry now.

The thing that really got me about Jon dying is that my cousin poked me and said "I was just about to call him and tell him they were playing this at his funeral." He made fun of the instrumental version of "My Heart Will Go On" and that is what they played. It was horrible.

Kim was like a sister to me and to lose her was like having my world crash down around me and then to have Jon died (we were VERY close) on me almost made me lose hope in everything. I didn't really leave this house for a few days. I wanted to sit in my room and drink, but I couldn't do that because of my little girls. It's just so hard to move on.

And the same goes for you and Violet, if EITHER of you ever need to talk, send me a message or email me at [e-mail] .

[lostmaiden]

Thank you for your support. What can I tell you, I was like that too, I dreamed of my mother. Sometimes I dreamed that I knew she was gong to die and i was crying and she told me that I didn't need to cry, because she was going to die anyway and i wanted the time i was going to spend with her to last forever and when I woke up it was horrible. Well, i think you are in that phase, but it will pass. And thank you for the e-mail, you are sweet. By the way, you have kids?

[Lauren]

I know those dreams. I wake up in a cold sweat. Awww, you're sweet too. Yep, I have 2 girls named Maddie and Meredith. Maddie is 2 and Meredith is 9 months. Maddie went with me to Kim's funeral and she gave Kim one last kiss and she wanted to know where aunt Kim was going. It was so hard to explain it to her.

[lostmaiden]

I am sorry you had to go trough that. As I was reading your last post, I have tears in my eyes, though it's already been long since I first read your story.

[Lauren]

Awww *hugs* I didn't mean to make you cry.

[lostmaiden]

you do not need to worry about making me cry. This is the emo section, right? I must get emotional, after all those are the rules, lol!

[jehovany]

Im very sorry to all who's lost someone, the closest person i have lost was my grandfather and we didnt see eachother that often for me to deeply inpacted.

I wish we could all have a group hug and confert eachother but we are miles apart, some even oceans apart.

[lostmaiden]

Well, the thought counts, and u are sweet, Jehovany^^

[jehovany]

Thank you Lost Maiden.

[heartache2893]

I know I am chimming in a little late on this but after reading this I couldnt help but cry. I lost my best friend in June 2007 when she committed suicide. I was the last person she talked to before she did it. Once I found out about it i completely lost it. I had no one to turn to because she was the one i went to for everything. So i can understand how you feel. I didnt get to go to her funeral because I live in PA and she lived in NJ. Now you have to know that our friendship wasnt one that we grew up together. We met on my old forum and became friends. we talked for two years every night on the phone before i offically met her. A month after i meet her she killed herself. Now i know that it seems kind of weird that a peson i met once could affect me this way, but she was the only person to every truely understand me. I felt like i had known her for years. I miss her everyday and i keep waiting for that 9pm phone call to come. I know it wont and you would think a year late i wouldnt wish for it, but i do.

I know how you feel and want you to know that even though they are gone they live on within you. your memories of them keep them alive. charish the memories and think of all the happy times.

those are the thing that have kept me living . . . even if it is only barely.

[Violet Twlilight]

Aug 7, 2008 18:00:53 GMT -5 heartache2893 said:

I know I am chimming in a little late on this but after reading this I couldnt help but cry. I lost my best friend in June 2007 when she committed suicide. I was the last person she talked to before she did it. Once I found out about it i completely lost it. I had no one to turn to because she was the one i went to for everything. So i can understand how you feel. I didnt get to go to her funeral because I live in PA and she lived in NJ. Now you have to know that our friendship wasnt one that we grew up together. We met on my old forum and became friends. we talked for two years every night on the phone before i offically met her. A month after i meet her she killed herself. Now i know that it seems kind of weird that a peson i met once could affect me this way, but she was the only person to every truely understand me. I felt like i had known her for years. I miss her everyday and i keep waiting for that 9pm phone call to come. I know it wont and you would think a year late i wouldnt wish for it, but i do.

I know how you feel and want you to know that even though they are gone they live on within you. your memories of them keep them alive. charish the memories and think of all the happy times.

those are the thing that have kept me living . . . even if it is only barely.

Awww...darling that is so sad. *hugs*