Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 20, 2008 19:55:05 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 20, 2008 19:55:05 GMT -5
One has no idea how much he relies on faceless website people until he loses them. I can honestly tell you all that I was desperately depressed. I had just gone through an ordeal and when I need your council most I lost you. But I am so glad that is over, and I can finally begin speaking with you again. To those who don't know who I am, that's all right. My name is Jake. I was born many years ago during a period sometimes known as the Old West or Gold Rush era. I left California where my family was starving to go east to New York. I had wanted to become a reporter. I stopped in New Orleans on the way and met a vampire I have since learned to loathe entirely. His name was Franz. He turned me into a vampire and after an argument I told him to leave me. I've lived a lonely life since, except for one period where I met a mortal girl named Bridget. That's a story I'm not ready to go into yet. There are some here who know it. I've spent a very lonely life, not seeking other vampires or the company of other humans. Except for this. Here it is safe, and I've no worries of harming any of you because I can't bite through your computer screen. For that reason, I consider you all my closest friends and I love you. I seek your advice, I welcome your questions, and I crave your attention. Don't worry about asking me a question you think might offend me. Ask anyway. You may get an answer you did not expect.
I'll get right into it.
I don't know how much of my previous post you all got to read, so I'll tell the story again. Mor had convinced me that I needed to try finding a willing victim for a quick and harmless drink to see if I could overcome the need to kill. I'm sure you all know that. So I will reiterate what happened.
I found a girl at a club that seemed interested. Actually, as a vampire I have found that I'm nearly irresistable. I got all these come-hither looks from the women there, and some men, even! But I picked one girl who looked like she was alone. I spoke a long while with her and got her to leave with me. It was on the streets outside that I told her I was a vampire. I don't think she really believed me, just that she thought I was a weird guy with a great role-play game. So she pretended to buy into it. We got a room at a small motel and I asked her if she'd let me try my experiment. She was giggling like crazy and agreed, so I figured that at least if she just thought she was going to have a one-night-stand that she could tell her friends about there would be no pressure. So I leaned in to bite her. And I lost it. I couldn't stop thinking of Bridget and how this was just like cheating. I couldn't stand it. I completely broke down. She kept telling me it was okay, but I knew she was disappointed and probably thought I was on drugs or psycho. She left not long after.
I feel like such a failure. It blows my mind to know that I failed. I don't know what to do. I can't lose those thoughts of my beloved, but I long for human contact again. I feel so horrible. But it feels good to have been able to tell someone what happened. Dear God, what will I do?
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 21, 2008 6:49:01 GMT -5
Post by Violet Twlilight on Jan 21, 2008 6:49:01 GMT -5
Oh Jake, *hugs* it's alright. You tried. I'm sure Bridget's very pround of you anyway.
Take it slow, ease into it. Maybe you should even think of befriending the person befopre trying it again. Maye it will work if your more comfortable.
It never hurts to try again. No one is prefect. And I agree with Mor-learning the trick of the small drink would help you in the long run.
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 21, 2008 11:35:09 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Jan 21, 2008 11:35:09 GMT -5
I am sorry you had to go trough that, but you have to understand that Bridget is no more and she expects you to get over her. I know this might sound like I have no feelings or something, but actually i care.
By the way, I am repairing something, a surprise, so please tell me, is your hair short or long? and is it light brown or dark brown? Sorry, I forgot...
|
|
Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 21, 2008 15:51:29 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 21, 2008 15:51:29 GMT -5
Thank you endlessly. The simple fact that I was able to go out and actually seek someone to try this proves that all hope is not lost.
As for the idea of befriending someone, I'm very wary of trying something like that. Last time I became close friends with a mortal I fell in love and have never been the same. I'm afraid of a repeat event. Who knows if others are still watching my every move, hoping I don't try what I wanted to try so long ago for a second time. They are bent on seeing that I never get what I want.
My hair is actually blonde. I don't know if I mentioned that before. I have green eyes, and people used to say my eyes were large. I used to get comments that they were my best feature. I don't know if that's true. My hair isn't long, but it's not very short either. It definitely doesn't reach my shoulders. It doesn't go much farther than my ears, actually. I can't really explain. I once found a cartoon from those Japanese novels that kind of looked like me and I posted it on the old forum. Mor loved it. (Ha ha.) I usually wear jeans and white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up just below my elbows. That's kind of my uniform, only because it was Bridget's favorite. And of course I still carry that bottle around my neck.
If your surprise is what I think it is, I'm very much looking forward to it, love.
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 21, 2008 16:01:55 GMT -5
Post by Violet Twlilight on Jan 21, 2008 16:01:55 GMT -5
Just because it's possbile something may happen dosen't mean it will. Your a vampire for godness sake! take some chaces! ~^_^~
|
|
Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 21, 2008 21:33:48 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 21, 2008 21:33:48 GMT -5
That's very easy for someone to say when they haven't gone through it. My emotions and feelings aren't something I can risk easily. If being a vampire has done anything to me, it's amplified the emotions I experience. Obviously the loss of my love has caused me some sort of trauma that even immortality can't erase. I think the fact that I will live forever only makes me more careful. The choices I make now I will carry with me unto the very end of time. Or until I choose to end it myself.
Oh God, I just can't get over her. She's had such a grip on me since I met her that even her death can't loosen her from me. I know she would hate to see me like this, but what can I do? What can change it for me? I'm so lost.
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 22, 2008 11:53:24 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Jan 22, 2008 11:53:24 GMT -5
*gets all red* To herself: he called me 'love'
So... I get the idea and i saw that drawing. It is from 'Angel sanctuary'. I know all about anime, you should know that, lol! They made only 3 episodes from that anime, but the manga series is longer. Never saw it tough... To lazy to watch only 3 episodes of anime, lol!
So, you will get your surprise, but first I have another one for someone else, so please be patient, ok? And be cheerful. I love it when people smile and have fun, despite all the problems in life. I know myself how hard the life is, but I hate to be sad for too long.
|
|
Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 23, 2008 14:57:38 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 23, 2008 14:57:38 GMT -5
I wish I didn't have to feel so tragic all the time. But when you live in the dark and don't speak to anyone in person it gets so that the walls close in around you. Then you try to seek someone out and all you think about is the past. I don't know. I hate to sound like a broken record.
I'm trying to figure out how to get enough courage to meet someone. I don't have any plans yet on how not to think of Bridget. Maybe I need to stay away from that gender entirely? Maybe I ought to seek out a guy. But if I remember anything, it's that if I walk around among men saying that I'm a vampire I won't last long until they either try to beat me up or abandon me. Check me into the psych ward, perhaps. Women are usually much more understanding, whether they're more apt to believe what sounds impossible or just that they are less judgemental of someone they think is a little...off. Like that girl from the club. I know she didn't believe me, but she wasn't exactly running away either. Say that to a guy though, and you're bound to get a little more judgement from him. Not that I'm scared of them. Maybe I'm scared of what I might do to them if things get out of hand. Laughter. Could you picture me beating the hell out of some guys because they won't believe I'm a vampire?
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 23, 2008 15:24:37 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Jan 23, 2008 15:24:37 GMT -5
If you;d meet me, I think you would think I'm crazy or something. Altough I;ve been trough so many hard situations, I try to make the best out of them. I lost someone close to me too. I lost my mother, but that does not prevent me to live, have friends, laugh, feel good. Despite of my loss, I try to live on my life because i know she would have wanted me to be like that. i promise you Bridget feels the same. She choose to be with you and she was happy by your side. If it weren;t for you, she would have had a hard life. Believe me or not, you saved her. You were her hero. You still are. Now she wants you to let her go. I think she wishes you a happy life. She would have done anything for your happyness, so yous should please her^^
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 23, 2008 19:05:18 GMT -5
Post by Violet Twlilight on Jan 23, 2008 19:05:18 GMT -5
To wall yourself, well that's not living at all.
You might as well be dead. I agree with lostmaiden when saying that Brideget wouldn't want to live like that.
Okay would picturing it the other way around work? Like if Brideget was alive and it was you who died-how would you feel to know she was miserable? That may not work, but it may help.
Woman might be the best idea, but don't asumse all men are going to react that way. You may be surprised by what you find.
Maybe you should try looking into the Goth sense a bit. I'm not saying all Goths are going to believe you(in fact a great deal of them won't) but they are very open minded. Most of them have had horrbile tredgies in there lives as well. They also are fasnited by the occult and most of them are very spirtnal. You may even find someone who might be able to talk to Brigegt and give you closure.
Just an idea.
|
|
|
Jake
Jan 24, 2008 6:02:33 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Jan 24, 2008 6:02:33 GMT -5
And a very good idea indeed! Jake, listen to Violet, it could b an answer to you. We want u to be happy!
I have a little problem myself. I had a best friend many years ago that I lost because of someone. I thought I was over it after so many years, but I dreamed of that friend last night and now I feel an acke inside. Do not have her phone number, e-mail, just know where she lives.
|
|
Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 24, 2008 9:58:01 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 24, 2008 9:58:01 GMT -5
After living alone for a century it's hard to go out and seek people. The only people I speak to are my victims and they're usually in no way to talk.
I've often pictured what it would be like if Bridget had been left alone and my experiment hadn't worked. She would have been crushed. Like I am. So I'm never angry that she was spared that. I am angry that her life was cut short for no real reason. She didn't have anything to do with those other vampires and they went after her anyway. Part of what fuels my sadness is my rage. And rage is hard thing to let go. It literally eats you alive.
Sometimes I wonder if vampires just don't have the ability to move on. A mortal mind forgets things, and heals, but a vampire's mind remembers every detail. I can still remember exactly the way I felt when I found her and haven't been able to forget any detail about the pain. But the human mind is able to forget that a little, and heal over. When you remember every detail of every little thing it makes it very difficult.
Sometimes I have nightmares about it, which isn't normal for vampires as far as I know.
|
|
Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 29, 2008 9:30:57 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 29, 2008 9:30:57 GMT -5
I've spent the last few days thinking, and at this point I think I've stumbled onto something that may clear the air for me but doesn't exactly help me out either.
It's this: I can't let go of Bridget's death because I think it's my fault she died.
And really, you can't tell me it isnt. My relationship with her was just a string of mistakes. First of all, after saving her life I never should have spoken to her. I should have disappeared like a shadow and let her go home. I should never have spoken to her a second time. I know I felt like I was protecting her, but I brought her so much more harm than good in the end, and it cost her life. I never should have let myself think I could be mortal again, and I should never have let her read those books. I shouldn't have let her go out alone and I shouldn't have left the hotel room. That's it, just a string of mistakes.
Do you think I could find a vampire therapist?
|
|
moop
Skeleton
Posts: 43
|
Jake
Jan 29, 2008 11:14:13 GMT -5
Post by moop on Jan 29, 2008 11:14:13 GMT -5
mate i think we are the closest ur gonna get to vampire therapists lol im not gonna pretend to understand what u've been through cos i only know wat i read in this thread but seems as Bridget loved u and she loved u for who u are so all she'd want would be for u to go out and live ur life and be urself not to lock urself up away from everyone and everything
I'd say if u were gonna meet someone it'd be a guy but like u said men aren't as understanding and women so u'd have to find someone who is a little wired someone who has read books and already knows about vampires so they wouldnt be freaked out - say a goth or anime freak or such even if they thought it was just some crazy role play or only went for a few nights i just think it would be good for u to meet some ppl, get to know them and have a good time
|
|
Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
|
Jake
Jan 29, 2008 14:28:56 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jan 29, 2008 14:28:56 GMT -5
Thanks for your advice. I don't think we've met before and it's nice to have a new person to speak with. Not that I ever get bored of my ladies. Laughter.
I think you're all absolutely right about it being imperative that I find someone, anyone, to get close to again. But it's a fear that is lodged in deep. I'd hate to ruin someone else's life. I only knew how to approach Bridget because I was struck by her the first time I saw her and felt compelled to speak with her, although I probably shouldn't have. But how do I remember how to make friends with a casual person when I have virtually no experience? What would I do? Walk up to someone and just start talking? That seems a little absurd.
Obviously if I try making a male friend I'm not going to be in love. So it would be hard for me to figure out how to make friends with a person when I don't feel urged to speak with them by gut feeling alone.
|
|