Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Dec 11, 2008 22:55:19 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Dec 11, 2008 22:55:19 GMT -5
I agree. Yet it's finding the right avenue that makes up the battle. Every time I lie to someone, that's when I feel most like something I'm not. It's most comparable to a murderer on the run who feels guilty for his actions. No matter who you talk to, you can never tell the the whole truth and you feel like you're being stabbed every time a lie comes out of your mouth.
I think, though, that the charity idea is not so bad. I think that having immortality, minus the idea of what I have to do to keep it, can be put to use. I'm thinking random, anonymous acts of kindness. In times like these, where it seems no one has any money, it might be good to help out everywhere I can.
The humorous side to that would be that I'd not be able to call myself an Angel of Death anymore but Robin Hood. Only it'd be stealing from the evil and giving to the good. Laughter.
I still bring relief to those that need it. Sometimes trying to trick people out of their blood so I can steal a little is exhausting. So I do what I've been doing for a long time. Somehow that still seems better than all-out killing healthy people. But maybe if I move on to the evil doer, as so many fictional vampires do, I'll be able to take from them and give to someone who deserves it.
Sigh. Okay, considering it's that time of year..."Secret Santa" seems to be my calling...
Dear God, that makes for an ironically hilarious picture. A vampire in a Santa hat. Lost Maiden, love, there's a cartoon for you.
See? I'm trying to be humorous.
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Jake
Dec 15, 2008 20:09:21 GMT -5
Post by Violet Twlilight on Dec 15, 2008 20:09:21 GMT -5
At lest you are tying. lol
Maybe reindeer horns are more your taste?
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Dec 16, 2008 22:06:20 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Dec 16, 2008 22:06:20 GMT -5
Laughter. Perhaps both.
It feels good, though. I've tried it a couple of times. It takes a minute for me to get over the fact that I'm killing someone who isn't dying or wishing to be dead. But they are people who, at least in some respects, deserve death more than an innocent.
I take whatever they've got (which is usually a lot, considering their...uh...line of work) and leave it to someone needy. Once, after just waking up when the sun had barely set, I found a grocery store where the bell-ringer for the needy was just packing up. I hurried and ran in, saying I had one last donation, and stuffed a hundred dollar bill in. You should have seen the guy's eyes. It was priceless. The best part was, he was a pretty intuitive guy. You meet some like that sometimes. And he knew there was something wrong with me, but he couldn't quite place it. And I could tell he knew it wasn't something good, but he couldn't argue with a one-hundred-dollar donation. It was slightly funny. Morbidly so, but still funny. Especially since to him I look like a nineteen-year-old kid.
It's things like that which might make this eternity thing a little more bearable.
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Jake
Dec 16, 2008 23:47:56 GMT -5
Post by Violet Twlilight on Dec 16, 2008 23:47:56 GMT -5
Aws that sounds great, Jake.
I've decided that since both Lucy and Lost have drawn you that I will try and do my impression. Maybe I'll throw you in a Santa hat too.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Dec 17, 2008 12:46:49 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Dec 17, 2008 12:46:49 GMT -5
Laughter. That would be great, love.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Feb 23, 2009 10:14:09 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Feb 23, 2009 10:14:09 GMT -5
Ever do that drawing, Violet?
I've been away for a really long time, and I see that most of you have as well. So I'm not sure any of my words will be read, but this place has also almost become a diary that my friends stop by to read every now and then and perhaps drop a comment here and there.
I've not been nearly as much a fixture of the sidelines as I've been for so long. I went kind of reckless there for awhile, and it's only now after I've had a chance to let those things subside that I've been able to gather my thoughts and find only traces of guilt over recent events. It's been quite a change.
I started innocently, doing tentative kind acts as I told you about. I would do something to make me feel good here and there. But the contact with humans that I'd increased so much was starting to wear on me. I started craving for something else besides sick, dying, or evil people. It was starting to look really unglamorous for me. I began treating the dying people who reached for me with a lot less respect than my previous ways. I found myself just getting it over with, and not really taking any pleasure in the release of pain that I always have. When I sat up and took notice of this, I decided to break off from that for awhile. I turned to the criminals. But a person with such a tender inner soul as me starts to get corrupted by the evil thoughts I imbibe when I drink evil blood. In fact, after a particularly nasty person found death in my hands I felt like most of that evil had been sucked right into me and was taking root. I recklessly drove to the nearest club I could find and just started randomly attacking people, so fast and without any trace so that when I left nothing was disturbed. I hadn't killed anyone, but I still felt disgusted. So I thought I should stay away from the criminals for awhile, too.
But my desire to be among more people didn't go away. I haven't touched a dying person in about a month. What I've been doing is hanging around really crowded places, staying in the dark and taking what I need. Sometimes I'll have a conversation with the person, but other times I just swoop in and out like a light breeze and they don't even know what happened. I can't say it satisfies me to drink that way. But what does satisfy me is the constant closeness to other people. I'm learning to conceal myself more smoothly, not stand out as awkwardly, and it causes a delay in the amount of time it takes people to become uneasy about me. It still happens; human instinct is a hard thing to suppress, but it happens much later than before. I'm picking up the little nuances in speech and slang that people have and I assume it makes me more natural to them.
I haven't felt as stressed lately, and I think my assimilation into today's culture might be in large part to thank for that. I am ever dissatisfied with my situation, but it's becoming more bearable with recent changes that have taken place within me.
In many ways, I am still the same old haunted, wretched thing, but it's easier for me to hide it now. And to focus on those things which bring me pleasure. Although parts of me still tell me I'm in no way deserving of a reprieve, the new reckless part of me takes it anyway and is happy.
For now, this is the state of thing. The Angel of Death is on vacation. For once I've been able to go for a sustained period of time without killing anyone, and without disturbing a single life because I've yet to make any personal connections to anyone beyond simple conversation.
Something tells me, however, that even more changes are in store. I'm getting bolder. And although this terrifies me, there's a beast growing inside that's much more forceful. I just hope it's a good thing, and not that I'm being taken over by killer instinct, which would be the ruination of me.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
May 24, 2010 18:11:24 GMT -5
Post by Jake on May 24, 2010 18:11:24 GMT -5
The words written in paragraphs above this one sound like those of a madman, don't they?
Laughter. Things have changed a bit, and so have I. That part of me I feared was evil showed itself for what it truly was. And for who sent it to me.
I've had a huge change take place between now and when I wrote that last entry.
I come here to find the place nearly deserted, with some glimmer of hope for a revival. I wonder if it will prove true.
Will I have to accept that my old friends will never know what has happened to me? Or will they return to hear me out? I realize I spent a lot of time bogging everyone down with a sob story that only pulled the energy from my dear loves. I'd become an emotional vampire as well, hadn't I?
Good thing Bridget was able to set me straight in the end.
If anyone is interested in the continuing adventures of the resident vampire, I will begin a new thread under a new title in this category. If anyone is interested, please let me know and this idea will become a reality.
Good night, my loves!
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Jake
Dec 22, 2010 10:02:21 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Dec 22, 2010 10:02:21 GMT -5
I was showing my drawings to a friend and she saw the one I made of you and said you are awesome
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Jake
Dec 23, 2010 1:36:58 GMT -5
Post by selene on Dec 23, 2010 1:36:58 GMT -5
Long spans betwixt exchanges in this dilapidated Garden, it seems.
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Jake
Dec 25, 2010 14:42:26 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Dec 25, 2010 14:42:26 GMT -5
Yup... we keep looking for eachother, but keep missing the right moment. How are you, Selene? I keep seeing u lately on yahoo. did you have a merry christmas? did you read jake's story?
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Jake
Dec 27, 2010 19:31:22 GMT -5
Post by selene on Dec 27, 2010 19:31:22 GMT -5
I had a wonderful Yule. Hoping you are well too. I did read his story, I found it amusing in ways it was most likely not intended to be.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Dec 31, 2010 0:17:45 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Dec 31, 2010 0:17:45 GMT -5
I'm interested, Selene, in what parts of my story you found amusement. Laughter. Because I laugh at myself every night now.
It's been so long (even in my terms) since I've spoken with any of you that I'm almost too shy to begin again.
...almost.
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Jake
Dec 31, 2010 0:49:18 GMT -5
Post by selene on Dec 31, 2010 0:49:18 GMT -5
One would be hard pressed to find a part of your tale that didn't give me a chuckle.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Dec 31, 2010 18:09:18 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Dec 31, 2010 18:09:18 GMT -5
In what way, love? Should I be offended?
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Jake
Jan 1, 2011 15:39:12 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Jan 1, 2011 15:39:12 GMT -5
I am sure she does not mean it that way, Jake. She must have thought of another story that reminded her of yours or something...
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