Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
May 27, 2008 21:51:21 GMT -5
Post by Jake on May 27, 2008 21:51:21 GMT -5
That image scares even me. Laughter. I don't know if I have it in me to exude any sense of evil. She might just laugh in my face because I couldn't carry it out properly. But maybe you're on the right track. I relocated her again and I've been keeping an eye on her for the last little while. She's reading tons of vampire books, and the image of her sitting in the floor of her room reading makes me think of Bridget so I can't approach her when she's doing that.
But if I were to come across her while she was walking the streets at night (which she seems to be doing often lately in her search for vampires) I could probably use my silence to give her the eerie feeling of being watched, followed. Maybe try to do something else to scare her. Maybe tell her that the last thing she wants is to be like me, a monster.
Thing is, she really makes me angry inside. Not even just angry, but enraged. Mostly because she has a perfectly good life and is young and healthy. I get livid with her because Bridget had to die even though she wanted to go on living. And here's this spoiled brat who has a great life and doesn't want it. I've had to bite my tongue more than a few times to keep from saying something really hurtful to her.
But if I give her a reason to stop searching for vampires, I'll be back to square one. I'll have to start all over because I'm sure she'll want to die still.
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Jake
May 28, 2008 9:28:48 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on May 28, 2008 9:28:48 GMT -5
I don't think she might get scared of vampires just because you tell her that. She needs to see with her own eyes the greatness of life. Kidnap her or something and then take her home and let her see how happy her family is to see her.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Jun 25, 2008 21:15:45 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jun 25, 2008 21:15:45 GMT -5
I apologize greatly for my extended absence. I needed some time to think and to act, and I forgot how long a month or two can seem to mortals.
I now know that I can survive an experience taking a non-lethal amount of blood from someone. But I didn't find this out in the way that I wanted to, necessarily. It just came about.
This girl I've been telling you about was really bothering me. I mean, she wasn't bothering me herself personally, just the thought of her. She angered me beyond belief because of her inability to be grateful for what she had. Anyway, I tried again to talk some sense into her and we ended up getting into a screaming match. This alarmed me because it's not really something I've done before. I'm not a violent person, as those of you who know my story understand.
Anway, in the heat of this argument the desire to show her what she would be missing if she died got so strong that I attacked her. I frightened even myself, and it happened before I knew what I was doing. One minute she was screaming at me and the next minute I had her pinned against the wall. The rage boiling inside was certainly not natural, and not something brought on by her. I knew immediately that I'd let a little bit of the blood lust seep through my carefully created barriers. And suddenly I was the natural vampire, the monster, who would take blood no matter what it cost. No one had ever seen me like that. Hell, even I had never seen me like that. The pure adrenaline and power that was pumping through my veins was exhilirating. And I realized my teeth were in her throat and she was struggling against me. Someone was, for the first time in ages, struggling against me. And it hit me finally what I was doing. I was so horrified. Of course I let her go and she just slumped to the floor, looking at me like no one had ever looked at me. Except maybe Franz's companion that night Bridget died. She was shaking violently, but she wasn't screaming or anything.
I just roared at her then, "You see?! You see what it means to be me? Did you see your life flash in front of your eyes? That's what it means to die! That's what dying feels like!"
I left immediately because at that point I was even scared of myself. I had to cool down and get myself under control again. I have never behaved that way before in my life, and it scared me to realize how much better the blood of the healthy tastes than that of the sick and dying.
Now I just feel extremely calm, as if I got something out of my system, like breaking a cyst. I was so afraid that I'd ruined her for good, that she'd end up in a psych ward somewhere.
However, a few nights later I checked on her. On her windowsill there was a note, and a rose. In the note she thanked me for showing her what death was like, for opening her eyes. She said that she knew she was never in any danger, that it was all a careful act I carried out in order to frighten her, and that she had gone to her parents and they'd agreed to let her have regular sessions with a therapist to work things out. She promised never to mention me or others like me.
The sad part is that what she doesn't know is she was in real danger that night. It was not an act, and I never planned for it. I certainly didn't have all my mental faculties intact when it happened. She's lucky to be alive right now. But of course I'd certainly never tell her that. And I never plan to see her again. Her life is on track, in whatever horrid way it came about, and my role is over.
I'm just glad that it is over, and nothing worse happened.
I'm afraid that if it happened once, it could happen again. Although doing it was like releasing a little of that pent-up blood lust. I feel a little better, a little more in control. So does control require those little bursts of violence?
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Jake
Jun 26, 2008 18:38:26 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Jun 26, 2008 18:38:26 GMT -5
I learned myself these days to be happy with the little that I have, since I gave up on something and dicsovered something else to fight for and pe strong for. That is why, now, I do not really care that much for anything else than the tresure that I discovered and that brings me happyness and joy to my life. I a glad she finally saw it, the truth... Hope this experience brings her strength to fight. As for your love for blood, why don't you try drinking someone's blood from time to time? I mean a healthy person's blood. Not all of it, just a few sips, for the taste of it. after you fed. So you will be sure that you will not drink it all. After all, a person like you can make them forget about being bitten;) Please give it a thought.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Jul 28, 2008 18:51:53 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Jul 28, 2008 18:51:53 GMT -5
I apologize for my extended absence. I got very wrapped up in what was going on and then I missed you so I had to come back.
I took what you said very deeply into consideration, lost maiden. So deeply, in fact, that I seriously began looking for the right place and the right person to try it. I figured that if, in the middle of my rage, I could still manage to tear myself away at the right time then it's highly possible--even probable--to assume that I can do it anytime. And in any situation.
I couldn't exactly let go of the fear right away, though, and it took me a long time before I put my thoughts to actions. I continued doing what I've done for so long, being an outlet for people to escape a life gone awry. But even as I appreciated the opportunity to be a bearer of relief to so many who were suffering, I kept coming back to the idea you'd given me.
Both you and Violet have, on this forum, tried convincing me several times that this is something I could do and that I ought to try it. And before that, several other dear ones on our lost forum tried the same thing. And I often fantasized about it, but never really took action. It took my rage and attack on an innocent girl to show me that what you said was true, and that my being friendly with other people was indeed possible to do without any bad effects left over.
Keep in mind that I never made the decision to befriend anyone as I did Bridget. Mostly because, as I've said before, I was afraid of another event like that horrible night I lost her. However, I did make the decision to leap in with both feet on this little drink thing. And I decided to be a little reckless. At first, I felt a little shame at my notion that I was going to be stalking the streets for awhile, taking from whomever I pleased. But I was also reminded of a comment Violet made to me at the beginning of this thread, that I was a vampire for God's sake and should take some chances. Laughter. So I did.
Are you both proud of me? I waltzed out into the night about a week ago and began this obsession with sneaking into people's lives and then walking away from them as though I never existed. I leave them a mystery. But I take from them more than the satisfaction of knowing I was interacting with someone. I jump from person to person until I've gotten my fill and return home. And the best part is that none of them even realize it.
The first time I did it purposefully it wasn't like that. I hadn't perfected the art of being sneaky about it. But she still didn't really know. Anyway, I just sort of walked in on this party that was going on. I pretended that a friend of a friend of a friend had invited me and no one questioned it, mostly due to the fact that a vampire's presence can be captivating enough at first that no one wants to kick you out of anywhere. It's only after they've had time to get wary that they start wanting you gone. And I no longer stay that long. I walked right up to this girl who looked like she could take it and began, I guess, hitting on her. She flirted back and I was amazed how easy it was to get her to step outside. She was really aggressive, and just wanted to make out and it was during that time that I was able to steal blood from her. She never even realized it. We went back inside, and I just sorted melted back out of the crowd. No one ever knew who I was or who had invited me. And I found it terribly amusing. I didn't even have time to feel bad about it.
After that I perfected the art of captivating someone during normal conversation and being able to take what I need without them ever even knowing I touched them. They sort of get lost in whatever I'm saying to them and in the middle of their hypnotized stares I'm able to take what I need and go back to speaking with them before they've realized it.
I never knew vampires had this sort of ability. I've always thought of myself as slightly cumbersome somehow. But now, with this new blood coursing through me, I feel more alive than I have in a long while. And the best part is that there is not guilt when it's over. I haven't taken any lives, nor even disrupted them for more than a moment. I've given them a great story to tell their friends and that's all.
But, I haven't totally shed my Angel of Death shroud. I still go out and kill those who long for death for the right reasons. I can't get rid of the one thing that's given me purpose all these years. Because if all I did was go around taking blood from random people to enhance my own life I'd go back to being a purposeless creature of the night with no reason to live.
Anyway, I'm not sure what any of you will think of me now, but that's what's been happening with me the last little while. I have missed having a chance to talk everything out, so there's no way I'd abandon this place.
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Jake
Sept 8, 2008 13:31:38 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Sept 8, 2008 13:31:38 GMT -5
I am glad you are back. I guess everyone comes back here in the end, no natter what. You know what they say, home is where the heart is, and now we are home. I came back too, and I am glad to find you here as well! I missed you a lot, you and everyone else. I've been thinking about you and talking with my friends about you.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Sept 8, 2008 14:00:47 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Sept 8, 2008 14:00:47 GMT -5
And do you tell them what a horrific monster I am?
It's been forever since anyone has posted here. I've just been doing what I do and having no one to talk to about it.
Even being a devious creature who takes what he needs gets old after awhile and now I'm looking for something bolder to try.
Does that make me bad? Because little by little I'm losing touch with the Jake I used to be. I can't recognize my old posts anymore, the fear in them. I think I am becoming a monster.
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Jake
Sept 9, 2008 3:30:26 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Sept 9, 2008 3:30:26 GMT -5
I never saw you as a monster and I do not see you as a monster now either. You never were. I think it is great that you want to try things that are more bold. I've been trying to make you do that all along, and Violet wanted that too, because you are who you are and you should act like it. Oh, and I don't tell people I know that youa re a monster, but a friend vampire. If they consider you a monster because you are a vampire, then they are small minded.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Sept 10, 2008 17:58:46 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Sept 10, 2008 17:58:46 GMT -5
I suppose so, but it scares me. On one hand I really enjoy the feeling of freedom and power, but on the other I know what harm that can bring. I've seen what happens to others who gain too much power and feel too bold. They end up destroying lives, both others' and their own. And I'd hate to become the things I've hated for so long.
I'm taking a few steps back for now. This is not to say that I'm embracing my old ways. There is something wrong in that, too. But for now I'm keeping to myself, posting here, and trying to figure out just what my next move should be.
It's so easy to get caught up in the fact that you hold so much power over everyone around you. It's easy to just decide that this is the life I'm going to want and taking steps to take it. Because I'm sure in the long run this kind of life produces more regrets. As if I needed more of those.
At this point I don't know what to do. Advice?
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Jake
Sept 11, 2008 15:05:31 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Sept 11, 2008 15:05:31 GMT -5
look, just think who you really are and have the courage to be that person no matter waht others may think. I am liek that too. I do not care what others think, as long as I know that I am myself and not what others want me to be. This is the best advice i can give you because recently i've been going trough that.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Sept 17, 2008 18:56:49 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Sept 17, 2008 18:56:49 GMT -5
I don't know if it has as much to do with what others think as what I think of myself. Can I live with myself knowing I'm stealing from people without asking? I mean, it's not like the old expression "stealing a kiss." Because when you do that, you're not actually taking anything. Obviously I'm stealing more than a kiss, and without permission. Sure, people may not shy away from me, and they like to talk to me. But they have no idea I'm also taking something from them without their permission.
I'm sorry, I've been confused lately. I've been keeping myself shut away for awhile and I haven't eaten anything in nights. Still just trying to lay out a set of values.
When you're young, you usually create for yourself a set of morals to live by. Your own personal list of right and wrong. And now I'm having to recreate my lists again based on new ideas and new actions I've been taking. What exactly is right and wrong? That question is a cliche for my kind, but it exists nonetheless. And I'm getting more and more confused over what the answer really is. What is right and wrong when you kill to survive?
I've been thinking lately that trying to pretend you are something you're not is like lying to yourself. So I can't pretend that I don't need blood to survive. Where I get that blood is a major issue. Even my interfering with the natural deaths of the old and sick could be seen as wrong. And at this point I'm not sure if I do. Is it wrong of me to interfere with the way things naturally happen? Because whether I'm releasing them from pain or not, I'm still murdering them. I'm still killing them. Jumping from person to person and stealing a little of what I need each time could be seen as wrong because I'm not asking their permission for what I take. I'm stealing it. It sounds slightly infantile, but there it is. If I try to put my trust in someone who could become a willing donor, I'm putting myself and all others like me in danger by possibly exposing our kind. Because even though I can go a few days without it, that's too soon for one or two people. The blood loss would keep them bedridden for a long time. So if I risk finding several people who would be willing to donate to me, I'm putting myself and my kind at a huge risk. Someone could expose it. It's hard to trust that many people. Especially since I haven't exposed myself to many people since this whole nightmare began.
I'm at an impasse right now, with no end in sight.
Sometimes it seems the only real solution is to rid the world of my nuisance and put an end to myself. That would solve my problem for sure. No vampire, no risks. But it wouldn't solve the problems of hundreds of others like me out there. Should I even care about them?
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Jake
Sept 18, 2008 12:03:46 GMT -5
Post by lostmaiden on Sept 18, 2008 12:03:46 GMT -5
You know, even if a stolen kiss might not mean anything for you, for others it could mean a big deal. like a person who never was kissed and was saving that moment for someone he/she really loved.... But the blood giving permission I do not think is an issue because you do not take that much to harm the people. You are a vampire, you know if a person is healthy or not only from looking at it for a short while. You get that from the collor of the skin and the beat of the heart. But you could get the permission from some people, if you get to know them well enough... There are some that gibe blood to their 'vampire freinds'. And these 'vampires' are humans that feel they are vampires. THey have teeth implants and everything... You could go as one very well. You could say that you cannot go out at daylight because of a skin condition that you have since you were born. Just like my vampire character, Murad, if you remember him... Only you are a good person, while he was greedy and didn't care for humans.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Sept 24, 2008 19:03:12 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Sept 24, 2008 19:03:12 GMT -5
I guess that is true. I could consider myself enough of a freak that it wouldn't be hard for me to pretend to be a mortal freak. I can see the possibilities in what you're saying, and that's intimidating. I can see how easy it would be to masquerade as something I'm not, get permission for what I need, and meet people in the process. In a way that's hard to explain, it's frightening. I'm not sure why. Maybe making the step to get re-involved in humanity is what's scaring me. I don't know if I'm up for that. But you're right. There is a solution in there somewhere, and you found it. And now I'm scared of it.
Because in essence, you are absolutely right. I can't see a downside to what you're saying. Some people really would give anything to play the game, and I wouldn't be hurting anyone. I'd be giving people what they want, without putting them in danger. And they'd live to see another day, even.
I've lived for so long without seeing such a clear solution that I can't get my head around it.
As I said, this frightens me. It's almost like being given the opportunity to step out into daylight. No matter how badly I want it, the idea of finally seeing a way to do it is scary.
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Jake
Zombie
"Don't Fear the Reaper..."
Posts: 69
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Jake
Dec 9, 2008 20:03:32 GMT -5
Post by Jake on Dec 9, 2008 20:03:32 GMT -5
I've checked in here from time to time to find nothing much happening. And today I received a surprise. Could it be that I have my loving friends back?
Since last I wrote the above message I've been in a semi-paralized state. Every time I had made up my mind to step away from the realm of the Angel of Death, I remembered my fear and it held me back. I've been such a coward lately.
I've spent the past months agonizing over what to do with myself, reading books and keeping to myself as I've always done.
The dilemma from before is just as strong now as it was then. I'm at an impasse with no end in sight. Because even though my beloved Lost Maiden has shown me the path from darkness I've been unable to follow it. There is something in me that still wants to feel guilt. If I were to do this thing, somehow I would still feel guilty. I wouldn't really be a mortal pretending to be a monster. Anyone I met would be unharmed perhaps, but in my soul (if I even still have one) I would know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was lying to them. It's no game for me, and that makes it a lie. There's a voice inside screaming at me that no matter what I do, to step into the world of mortals pretending to be something else is immoral and wrong. I don't know where the voice is coming from or what feeds it, but it stops me every time I think I might take that lovely advice and run with it. I don't know if I could ever really make myself an acceptable person if inside I always felt guilty. Guilt shows through, even for someone like me, and mortals can pick up on more than can easily be believed sometimes. They'd see the shadow behind my eyes, I'm sure of it. And whether that was something they enjoyed or not, it would bother me to no end. Where is the relief from these questions?
I apologize for returning and bombarding everyone with my internal struggles.
On another note, I see that the idea of the vampire has picked up some popularity with the release of new books and movies on the subject. Granted, it's directed at a teen crowd, but I've always been able to pass for a teen, haven't I? Maybe this is the opportunity I've been waiting for, when people aren't so afraid of the idea of a blood-sucker.
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Jake
Dec 9, 2008 22:10:28 GMT -5
Post by Violet Twlilight on Dec 9, 2008 22:10:28 GMT -5
Yes the Twilight craze! You could easily slip into this realm.
Remember that you'll never be happy if you keep beating yourself up. I know we keep telling you this, but honestly, what good are you? What is your place in this world? Maybe if you found something to give you self worth. Maybe if you did some charity work you'd feel better. Maybe you just need something to take pride in.
Feeling sorry for yourself does no one any good. You are a kind compassionate soul and you deserve to be happy. Allow yourself to just stop thinking and DO something to make YOU feel good. Something like a vacation from your guilt. Talk to people, watch people, help people. Try to ask yourself what you can do to finally give up your guilt and pain. You've already come a long way. Pat yourself on the back! Your pain is pointless now, it only hurts yourself and doesn't help anything. Turn your guilt into something positive.
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